Change arrives daily – often overwhelming, sometimes hopeful – and when it does, being heard can make all the difference, says Jon Sloper
involves change – from personal concerns to national policy. It might mean adapting to external pressures – changes to benefits, housing or family crises – or navigating personal upheaval like illness or redundancy. Sometimes, it’s simply wanting to get involved and make things better … these things fill so many of our conversations.
I am often a witness and participant in responding to these changes. People talk about what is happening to them, how things are impacting them, what they think is going to happen and how they feel about it
We often observe traumatic changes – sudden, overwhelming moments that trigger survival instincts. The conversations are laser focused, and consideration of wider contexts, or reflecting on the causes of the change, are drowned out by the emergency – ‘I have no food, I had to spend the money on an unforeseen and unavoidable expense. Can you help? Where can I find some food for my family? Now?’
I’m often a sounding board too – people approach me quietly after meetings or send hesitant messages: ‘Um, I’ve been wondering…’, ‘You don’t happen to know…’, or ‘Could I talk to you about…?’ These are just as important as the more urgent conversations. I always feel that being entrusted with heartfelt thoughts, ideas or passions is a huge responsibility.
So many feelings accompany our experiences of change: hope, anxiety, shame, insecurity, anger, compassion, love, generosity, embarrassment, confidence, confusion, kindness, isolation …
Feelings often shape the way that change is approached, framing the story we create for ourselves to make the change understandable or manageable. As a result, the story can be big and ambitious – ‘I’m going to change the world!’ – or broken, humble and personal – ‘something bad has happened to me’.
It’s all too much
Feelings can also create barriers – or connections. If we’re overwhelmed and threatened, we might lash out, be angry, push people away. If we’re feeling confident and calm, we are able to consider others’ perspectives and engage in uncomfortable conversations.
They also shape the actions rising from the change. Actions in response to traumatic change are usually direct, focused, solution-orientated and sometimes an effort to maintain the status quo. In effect, the change is too much. ‘I want things to stay the same’, ‘Don’t talk to me about all this stuff’ or ‘Fix it!’. Defences spring up.
When change feels less threatening, our responses can be more creative – even playful. Telling and retelling the story and comparing with others’ experiences and narratives also becomes part of the journey to action.
Life is change. Growing, learning, working, relating – all are just different forms of it. Whether those changes are big and scary or big and exciting, a patient, gentle listener can be a lifeline. Whether the feelings are raw and ragged or passionate and expansive, sharing them with someone who can listen to our story, as it is, can provide a safe hand to hold that helps us take the next step.
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